Numb for the Holidays

Why is it that every time I sit down to write I can’t remember everything I had just thought out? as I was getting ready for bed I thought about the holidays and the fact that I get numb every year. So I am going to try to write about it. Huge emphases on the word try. Today is Thanksgiving and I realized yesterday that the annual “numb for the holidays” has started. If you know anything about what is going on in my “love” life, you would probably think that I am emotionally numb because of that…At first that is what I had thought all week. And then it hit me that Thanksgiving is today, the first of the big Hallmark holidays. Also the first big holiday after my Aunt Pat passed away. Yeah, that just adds to it all. But you’re probably asking why I am “numb for the holidays,” I, like most people, have been hurt in many ways. Within the past four years the most painful holiday has been Christmas. Because of this, I put my wall up even higher than normal the week of Thanksgiving. That way I am prepared for anything. The problem with this though is that the wall is not just blocking the bad, it is blocking all emotions. Without emotions, I cannot grow overly excited. I cannot get my hopes up. Without emotions, I cannot fall. Yes there is more going on in my life that I need to deal with emotionally, but I have already started growing numb and do not know how to get out of this “dip,” this emotional rollercoaster that I experience. I want to learn how to be okay with the holidays I want to learn how to trust again. Trust: not an easy thing for me. Trusting, I am not. Trust, I do not know how. Every morning I look at my wrist and read it: Fiducia, a reminder that it is okay; a word of hope that I will someday be able to trust again.


Every year as I am becoming less numb after the holidays are over, I sit and write a list of goals for the new year, a long list of new year resolutions. Yes a long list, usually 20 plus things. And every year, trust is on the list somewhere. Starting today I want to work on my 2011 new year resolutions. The first and most important: trust. I hope that with trust I will get away from this emotionally numb period each year. It will take a lot, I know this. That is why I will begin with trusting God. I will trust that He can help me through this. I will do my best to document my days, both good and bad. Hopefully I will be able to write every day, if I am unable to I will write as often as possible. I do not want to sell myself short when I know that there is hope. There is at least one person on my side. The greatest of all: God. I can and will get through this. He is amazing and always with me. <3