Like I Don't Belong

Have you ever felt like you don’t belong? Like the people around you don’t care that you are there or just don’t want you there? Like you can do nothing right no matter how hard you try? Like everything just seems to be going wrong? Yeah, me too. That’s kind of where I am at right now. I started my externship this week at the pediatrics office I was already working at. Everything was going really well. And then today, one doctor who wasn’t even there sent an email to the office manager about something I did “wrong” (I followed the instructions I was given). The other doctor listened to every single word I said while taking a phone call and she critiqued it. I did just as the other front office girls were doing. But somehow I was wrong. One of the front office girls has been off this week until today and she talked down to me and had me doing all the things she didn’t feel like doing. She had been there all of five minutes and was demanding that I pull charts for Monday’s appointments. I did because I was already planning on doing so; I just ended up having to sooner than anticipated.


I was able to leave on the early side and was hoping to get home and sleep. But I couldn’t fall asleep. I then got a text from my mom; I was finally going to get to see the house that she and my dad had bought! Although I was (still am) exhausted and not feeling well, I was thrilled to finally see my new home! Well when I got there, it didn’t feel like home. Yes, the house is empty so once we get our things there it will (hopefully) feel more like home. But I just didn’t feel like I belonged there. And then in the car on the way to dinner after, my parents asked my youngest sister her opinion of the house and if she could see herself living there for the next 8-10 years. I was the only other one in the car and my mom said, “I’m not going to even ask Heather because we don’t know how long she’ll be living there.” I wanted to jump out of the moving vehicle and just run away. I didn’t want to go to dinner. Once at dinner everyone proceeded to discuss the house, and I sat quietly in my seat, as if I wasn’t there. When I would try to say something, no one would hear me. Again I felt as though I was not welcome. I don’t quite understand how things could go from decent to then feel alone again. I know that I am not. I know that I have a relationship with God and that I should be leaning on Him for my strength and guidance. I know that I have a church family that loves me and that are there for me through anything. But why do I feel so alone?!?

My experience at dinner tonight and at the new house reminds me of a poem I wrote a while back. It is called “Silent Existence” and is probably my favorite of any of the poems I have ever written.

Silent Existence

I stand in the middle of a crowded room

I scream at the top of my lungs

No one hears me

They continue about their business

I scream again
With the same response, I start to cry
The tear have become uncontrollable

I want to stop but I just can’t

Time continues and I get no response

I have become invisible,

Silent to all eyes and ears

Come Home

Last night, I made my Transit* Band debut! And it was amazing being up on stage during worship! Music is something that I am very passionate about and I have missed it oh so very much. However exciting this may be, it was not the highlight of my night. The best part of the night was that my sister came. Although she left after worship, she came. And I could not be more excited. It broke my heart when she left. I was still on stage and I just wanted to run after her and beg her to stay. After service and talking to Pastor Travis and others I realized how big of a step it was for her to just be there. Soon my sadness and disappointment that she didn’t stay was replaced by joy, excitement, and hope that the little bit she saw makes her want to come back. I love my sister dearly and it would mean the world to me if she would just “come home.”


The series we are currently in: “Come Home” has been absolutely incredible. I have a relationship with God and I no longer feel lost, but last night it service Pastor Travis said that God wants three things for each of us. The one that stood out most to me is “He wants to bring you peace.”Peace is something I have struggled with the past week and a half or so. I have become so stressed and it feels like major chaos. I know that I need to give it all to God, and I am working on that. But last night when Pastor Travis said, “He wants to bring you peace” I started to tear up. It helped me to realize that even though it is too big for me to handle on my own, nothing is too big for God. “I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

Perfecting the Fake Smile

Because I am still having a difficult time finding the words to say what’s on my mind, I have continued to search old documents for topics to reuse. I have stumbled across something that wasn’t necessarily about this topic but it made me think of it: perfecting the fake smile. I hate driving, but sometimes I just need to go for a ride. Get away for a minute. I did this last night with my best friend. We drove for a while. And I talked, cried, laughed, and talked some more. She just kept the car going and listened. I didn’t realize how much I needed that until we were there. For the longest time, I was waking up broken and hurt. And felt as though I had to hide it. I perfected the fake smile to the point that even my best friend couldn’t tell the difference between real and fake. A few days ago, I started to put that fake smile back on.  I don’t even know why. Everything in life is going quite well. There’s a bit of stress, but that’s normal; life can be stressful sometimes. Every single person deals with stress differently, turns out that I hold it all in until I get to that breaking point, and I just pile it on some more. I know that I need to take it to God. And ask Him to help me through this. Ask Him to give me peace. But I almost feel like I can do it on my own and I really don’t want to bother Him with something so silly.  Call me crazy, but I’m headstrong like that. Travis has talked about it before during his sermon on 320 Faith.  I know that God’s power is immeasurable and I can’t do this without Him, no matter how hard I try. I feel as though this realization is the first step to turning back to Him and giving it all to God. His love is amazing.

Chaos is a Blessing

Hello readers. It’s been a while and for that I am truly sorry. I am not sure why exactly, but when I sit down to write, I am unable to find the words. While thinking, I have been looking at old documents saved on my computer and I would like to share something that was titled, “Blog 1.” When I read it, I got a little teary eyed. I hope you enjoy.

The title for my blog, “Blessings of a Chaotic Life,” came to mind at the perfect time. After thinking about it, it’s kind of ironic isn’t it? I mean a blessed chaotic life; you would think that chaos would not be a blessing. But I have come to realize that it is a blessing, chaos is a blessing! “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11). My life has always been oh so very chaotic, but oh so very blessed. Promises have been made, promises have been broken. With broken promises often times comes a broken heart. Time after time a heart breaks and then is mended. Life is not always perfect. Many hectic moments occur. My life the past week is the perfect example of blessed chaos. Everyone makes mistakes; I am no different than anyone else. Sunday before Christmas, I made the biggest mistake of my life so far. It is definitely not one of my proudest moments, from then on my week went downhill. My world started to fall apart. On Christmas Eve, my mom got a call; my aunt was in the hospital. She had diabetic ulcers and was not in very good shape. I was able to play Santa’s elf that day and wrap the gifts for my siblings. That night we spent a very chaotic couple of hours with extended family, way too much stress for a holiday. Christmas day I went and visited my aunt then hung out with my best friend. Saturday added so much more chaos than I had ever expected. A promise was broken and my heart was ripped out of my chest. It is honestly all a blur, which I am kind of glad. When I got home, I tore apart my room. Throwing pictures and objects across the room, and kicking them under things. (I didn’t break any frames.) My family was right there wanting to help me, but all I could do was cry and run away. I let no one close enough to touch me. I soon got on the computer changing things on there and deleting the pictures of him. My mom, sister, and brother got rid of all of the things that reminded me of him. (I know where to find it all though, Anthony’s room in a trash bag). My mom and dad cleared my computer of all things Kevin. Texts went out to the important people. And phone calls were made. I felt so alone. I soon figured out how wrong I was. I am so thankful that God has given me some pretty amazing people who love me. My mother, who is my support, I can tell her anything and she has always loved and provided for me and always will. My father, who is my protector, he takes care of the material things I need in life to survive. My sister, Courtni, is my best friend. No matter what happens, we will always have each other. My brother, Anthony, is not like your typical little brother. He may be a pest sometimes but he is a huge support in my life. Rebecca has helped me to learn about my passion for kids and caring for others. Suzy, my best friend who might as well be my blood sister, has been a big support through troubling times that I never thought I could have gotten through by myself. Dom, my “big brother,” has taken care of me and has become a part of my family. My good friend Joe who was the first person I actually talked to after the breakup. He has been a huge support and is there for me whenever I need to talk. He has given me some pretty amazing advice. Another person who has helped me through it all, and has gotten me to laugh so hard that my cheeks hurt, would be my friend Jason. I never knew that I could sit in Starbucks for so long that my hot drink would be cold and that I would need a second drink. Through the past couple of days, there have been many others who have helped me and have checked up on me to make sure I was okay. I know that this situation is not the best and that dealing with all of this could be so hard for anyone. I, again, am no different than the average person, my heart aches, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, and I can’t be left alone for very long. But I am not alone I have been so blessed through this all to have realized this amazing fact. God has given me some amazing people to help me grow and to love me. I am so thankful for everyone. Even if I did not mention them, that doesn’t mean that they mean any less to me than anyone I did mention. I will get through this, and all the other trials God has planned for me down the road. I know now that I am not alone. Not only do I have God, I have all the amazing people around me. Although my life is chaotic, I am blessed with more than I had ever realized. And so it begins a blog about the blessings of a chaotic life.

Waiting

“When God brings a time of waiting, and appears to be unresponsive, don’t fill it with busyness, just wait.” The key here is “just wait.”  If you know me at all, you know that I am not a very patient person. Waiting is not easy. Today’s devotional discussed waiting for God to give clear directions for your life. Never run on an impulse feeling, and know that when there is even the slightest doubt, it is not God’s will. When you wait for God to give you direction, He will get you there without heartache and disappointment. I know that I am probably not the only one that has a strong desire to know what happens next, what happens in the future, and so on. Because of my desire to get “there” right now, wherever “there” may be, I have suffered much heartache and disappointment. Right before graduating high school I got in to a relationship with a guy that I thought was “the one.” Obviously, I was wrong. But from that relationship I am still learning about patience and the need to follow God’s will, rather than jumping ahead of His timing. I was so dead set on finishing high school, getting an accounting degree that normally takes 5 years done in 3.5, and being married the last semester of school that I didn’t see what I do now. There was doubt within the relationship. My life had seemed perfect and on track with my plan, and it fell apart.  I was left with heartache and disappointment. I know now that I need to wait for God’s direction. Because of my heartache and disappointment, I changed everything on impulse. After two years I am finally getting back on track, God’s track. Although it is not easy, I am waiting for His direction. Before tonight I never saw the correlation between waiting for His guidance and heartache. But now that I do, I will work that much harder on my patience and waiting. He is patient with us, and we should have no problem waiting for His timing. It will be worth it.

Words

“When a man gets to God, it is by the most simple way – words.” –Oswald Chambers


This was the last sentence in the devotional for today. Not sure why exactly, but this is also the sentence that stuck out most to me. Maybe because it is the simple truth or for the simple fact that words in general have an impact on life and the way things are perceived. Words can be used to hurt, cheer up, calm down, discipline, anger, and encourage someone. God uses His words to save, to teach, and to guide. Prior to being saved, the words in the Bible are just that, words. It seems simple but in reality it is not until we are baptized by the Holy Spirit that we see the true meaning behind those many words. Jesus said, “The words that I speak to you are spirit, and they are life” (John 6:63). Because of this, as we re-read stories in the Bible, we see them in new light. God has given us the Bible, His Word, to speak to us. God is amazing and it is through Him that we have eternal life. And I am in awe of Him and His immeasurable power.

Going Without Knowing

Last night I started a devotional that I have had for over two years now. I had never started it for silly reasons. The first is that it is dated and I did not want to start in the middle of the year. The second is that it was a gift from my now ex-boyfriend, the new year started and I despised him and everything he had ever given me. I have since gotten past that hatred and decided that it was time to start. The devotional for today was definitely a relevant topic to my life at the moment. You may not have read it, but I posted last night about goals for the year, one of them being to start the process of completing my associate’s degree.  I started looking on line to figure out what program and essentially which advisor to call. And then I got stuck. I have it down to two different programs, and I don’t know which one would be best. Today’s devotional was all about “going out without knowing.” I, being the type of person that plans everything, am terrified to go without knowing. I know that it is important to trust God. He has a plan and He knows what happens next. I know that He will reveal each step of my life when the time is right. But right now I am scared that I do not know what happens next, since I am so close to completing the classes at Pima Medical. I have decided to give God everything I am and to let Him have full control. It is very difficult to not take that back and try to figure this all out on my own. I trust Him and know that He has great plans for my life. And I seek His guidance as I enter this next chapter in my life. I cannot wait to see what He has in store for me.

It's a New Year with New Goals

Happy New Year!!

Welcome 2011, you are a new beginning. Every year I write a list of goals for the year. Rarely do I look at it once all is said and done. Probably because my goals are too easy, unrealistic, or not what I truly desire. I want to change that. I do not want to sit here and write another list that will be forgotten by tomorrow night. I want to set goals that I know won’t necessarily be easy, that will challenge me but that I will not forget and that I will do my best to reach them.

My first goal is to finish my classes at Pima Medical with all A’s. And to put forth every effort in to not getting “senioritis” these last two weeks before extern. My second goal is to get started on finishing up my Associates Degree. This means taking the time to make phone calls and registering for classes. A third goal for this year is to write every day. Maybe not post every day, but sit and write every single one of the 365 days in 2011. My fourth goal is to work on achieving 320 Faith. To know that no matter my past, God forgives me, loves me, and has a plan for me. The fifth and final goal I have for 2011 is to be even closer to my family. Yes, we have our moments that we don’t always get along, but family is important. Mine has been there for me through some pretty tough times and have put up with a lot from me. I am eternally grateful for them.

I hope everyone has an amazing year and lives every day as if it is their last.

Christmas Vacation 2010

It's been too long since I last wrote. I am not one for excuses, but I do have a good reason for not posting: week long family vacation. That's right a whole week with the family spent in California. I wanted to write a post and include some pictures from my week even though it does not have a huge significance in my faith journey. I did however learn a few things:

1. Do not go to Disneyland, California Adventure, and Universal Studios over Christmas.

2. Never go on a ride with the Rice family...there is a 90% chance you will get stuck.

3. Pouring rain does not keep people out of the Disney Parks.

4. The best place to meet characters is Goofy's kitchen.

5. Children will "accidentally" pull the fire alarm, evacuating an entire hotel.

6. The first thing you grab when the alarm goes off says a lot about you...I grabbed a hairbrush.

7. The "First in Line" pass at Universal does not really get you far when half of the park visitors have one.

8. The crash scene from "War of the Worlds" is a real 747 torn apart. The set is still on Universal's backlot.

9. My favorite place to be is still the beach. Even when it is the end of December and super cold and windy.

10. It is so nice to be home.



(My youngest sister dancing in the car on the way to California)