Like I Don't Belong

Have you ever felt like you don’t belong? Like the people around you don’t care that you are there or just don’t want you there? Like you can do nothing right no matter how hard you try? Like everything just seems to be going wrong? Yeah, me too. That’s kind of where I am at right now. I started my externship this week at the pediatrics office I was already working at. Everything was going really well. And then today, one doctor who wasn’t even there sent an email to the office manager about something I did “wrong” (I followed the instructions I was given). The other doctor listened to every single word I said while taking a phone call and she critiqued it. I did just as the other front office girls were doing. But somehow I was wrong. One of the front office girls has been off this week until today and she talked down to me and had me doing all the things she didn’t feel like doing. She had been there all of five minutes and was demanding that I pull charts for Monday’s appointments. I did because I was already planning on doing so; I just ended up having to sooner than anticipated.


I was able to leave on the early side and was hoping to get home and sleep. But I couldn’t fall asleep. I then got a text from my mom; I was finally going to get to see the house that she and my dad had bought! Although I was (still am) exhausted and not feeling well, I was thrilled to finally see my new home! Well when I got there, it didn’t feel like home. Yes, the house is empty so once we get our things there it will (hopefully) feel more like home. But I just didn’t feel like I belonged there. And then in the car on the way to dinner after, my parents asked my youngest sister her opinion of the house and if she could see herself living there for the next 8-10 years. I was the only other one in the car and my mom said, “I’m not going to even ask Heather because we don’t know how long she’ll be living there.” I wanted to jump out of the moving vehicle and just run away. I didn’t want to go to dinner. Once at dinner everyone proceeded to discuss the house, and I sat quietly in my seat, as if I wasn’t there. When I would try to say something, no one would hear me. Again I felt as though I was not welcome. I don’t quite understand how things could go from decent to then feel alone again. I know that I am not. I know that I have a relationship with God and that I should be leaning on Him for my strength and guidance. I know that I have a church family that loves me and that are there for me through anything. But why do I feel so alone?!?

My experience at dinner tonight and at the new house reminds me of a poem I wrote a while back. It is called “Silent Existence” and is probably my favorite of any of the poems I have ever written.

Silent Existence

I stand in the middle of a crowded room

I scream at the top of my lungs

No one hears me

They continue about their business

I scream again
With the same response, I start to cry
The tear have become uncontrollable

I want to stop but I just can’t

Time continues and I get no response

I have become invisible,

Silent to all eyes and ears