It's Okay...

I don’t know about you, but I, for some crazy reason, am very good at remembering dates of significant events in my life and throughout history. Tomorrow, December 21, is one of those dates that has significance; December 21, 2008 to be exact. I do so well at forgetting (or trying to anyways) throughout the year until the holiday season beings and it hits me. Remember my post from not too long ago called “Purity?” I talked about a story that I hope to be able to share someday. Well this is the one. Although I am not entirely ready to share it, I will say that I went through something that no one should ever have to experience. Unfortunately though, I am neither the first nor the last to go through it. It was emotionally traumatizing and changed me in so many ways. It has made me cautious in some aspects of life and not as cautious as I should be in others. Since that night I have guarded my heart more and my lack of trust grew deeper.

It’s been two years and I wish I could say that everything is okay. But I can’t. It will take time, I know this. I have realized a few things the past couple of days as I have thought about the past. The first is that not all guys are like my ex, the one that hurt me the most. The second is that I have to let go of the shame and guilt that go along with that night. By holding on to it all, I am not giving myself the ability to grow. I have also learned that God has given me amazing friends that are there for me through anything. The fourth and one that I feel is rather important to remember is that it’s okay to not be okay yet. It takes time.

With what I have realized, I hope to trust guys a little bit more. I may have to constantly remind myself that they are not all like him, but I’m okay with that as long as I truly believe it. I hope to completely give this burden to God and not pick it back up, again. I hope to grow as an individual; to have a closer relationship to God and in turn be a better version of myself. I will make sure my dear friends know exactly how much they mean to me and I will continue to thank God everyday for putting them in my life. I will remind myself when I am down that is okay to not always be okay and that God put wonderful people in my life to help me through anything I am going through.

Two years ago, my life changed forever. Being able to write even just this little bit about it is a huge step towards being completely healed. The process takes time but I’ll get there and I’ll be able to share the story in its entirety. Until then I will continue to look to God for guidance and to thank Him for the beautifully chaotic life journey I have been given.